After revising your piece for the elements of narration and description, post your life event essay here. 400 words.
68 Comments
Dagfinn Knutsen
8/19/2014 01:06:13 am
My Move to Germany
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Michael Ruiz
8/19/2014 03:40:37 am
Dagfinn this I really good just try to increase it to what Mrs. Marconi asked for it to be it has to be at least 400 words Dagfinn just pls try to add more and then ill look at it again ;D
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Yazeed A
8/20/2014 03:54:14 am
The same thing happened to me when I moved to the Netherlands.
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Anders L
8/21/2014 02:12:49 am
Nicely done, but i agree with Michael, you should have made it 400 words, but it was good overall.
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Ms. M
8/21/2014 03:05:26 pm
Clear sequence of the event. Nice detail about your relationship with your brother. Working on developing more details, rather than listing them.
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Bailey L
8/21/2014 09:43:16 pm
Nice work. I still remember that you were the you were the type of person who didn't like to talk to people.
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bre
9/2/2014 10:45:41 pm
good job. the writing was really good.
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Eryn Johnson
8/19/2014 03:06:41 am
In Virginia in the year 2011, we were told my dad would be deploying to Qatar for a year. I was nervous because I would have to fly to Oklahoma and stay with my grandma for 2 weeks all by myself. My sister, mom, dad, and cat drove across the country from Virginia to Texas where my other grandparents were and where my mom, sister, cat, and I would be living for the next year. In Oklahoma I got to spend a lot of time where my dad grew up and work in my grandma’s flower shop. I can remember having a lot of fun making flower arrangements and putting “Green Glow” on the leaves. During late July of 2011, I flew down to Dallas where I would be reunited with my family. My grandma picked me up from the airport and we drove the, what seemed like, long drive to Benbrook. “Your parents are excited to see you again.” My grandma said to me on the drive back. “I know. I am excited to see Oliver again.” I replied. Oliver is my cat. When I got back to Benbrook, there were a lot of “I miss you’s”, hugs, and kisses. In August of 2011, my dad left for Qatar for his year-long deployment. It was really sad having to say goodbye to him. It was the first time I ever had to deal with my dad going overseas. Before he left I had started middle school at Benbrook Middle School. It was fun but scary at the same time because I was one of the youngest in the school and because a lot of kids were taller than me. Our house was just around the corner from my grand-parents’ house and right next to my school and my sisters school. In December my dad came to visit on leave. It was a lot of fun seeing him again. He came again in April of 2012 one last time before he came home for good in August. Those last few months seemed like forever. When my dad finally came home, we flew to our new home in Germany. It was a really exciting experience to see the country where I was born. Sadly we weren’t at the base I was born at. A week after we arrived in Germany, I started 7th grade at AFNORTH International School in Brunssum, the Netherlands.
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Dagfinn Knutsen
8/20/2014 01:21:25 am
Very good writing style with lot's of dialogue :D Seems like there are multiple life events within this one essay. All in all, lots of content and good writing :D
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Hailey Mueller
8/20/2014 01:58:15 am
Sounds good! I like the dialogue in the paper, also!
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Kayla Lambiase
8/20/2014 05:04:12 am
Really enjoyed your writing! You did great and i could relate to your story.
Michael Ruiz
8/20/2014 05:12:29 am
Great Story Erin cant wait to read more work from u ;D
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Beca Mann
8/20/2014 07:04:00 am
Aww, This story is sweet! And i love the use of your dialogue, it adds to the story. P.S. I love your cat Ollie
Ms. M
8/21/2014 03:08:18 pm
Nice development of your grandmother and the closeness of family. Work on developing paragraphs for the sequence of events.
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Michael Ruiz
8/19/2014 03:37:37 am
Michael Ruiz
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Ms. M
8/21/2014 03:11:22 pm
Work on breaking up your run-on sentences into smaller complete thoughts before you move on. Good use of details.
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Tomas
8/22/2014 04:28:04 am
I liked the story itself, but you need to check if the sentence makes sense. I like the way you run into details. Keep it up :)
Anders L
8/19/2014 03:50:11 am
When I got my dog.
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Dagfinn Knutsen
8/20/2014 01:12:13 am
ANDERS!!!
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Hailey Mueller
8/20/2014 03:21:38 am
I like it, Anders. I liked how you included the present time too.
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8/20/2014 03:45:16 am
Anders that was so good! it was also very cut and sweet! Mille sounds like an amazing dog!
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Yazeed A
8/20/2014 03:52:21 am
I had a cat once and your comment reminded me of the responsibilities I had for it.
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Ms. M
8/21/2014 03:13:23 pm
Good use of details. Work on creating paragraphs to develop the sequence of the event.
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bre
9/2/2014 10:47:23 pm
so i loved the story and the writing was great. plus dogs are the way to go cats kinda are boring lol. good job
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Jaylin Harris
8/19/2014 06:24:12 am
Jaylin Harris
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8/20/2014 02:00:10 am
That's Awesome reminded of the time I went to San Antonio spurs Game.
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Jacorian Clayton
8/21/2014 03:46:11 am
I thought that was an awesome story. I haven't really ever been to a professional basketball game but i think its really cool that out of all the kids in the arena you were one of the few picked to participate in the halftime show.
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Ms. M
8/21/2014 03:26:07 pm
Good sequence of events. Work on more adjectives to describe the event.
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8/20/2014 01:57:06 am
In November of 2010 I moved to Germany after spending four years in San Antonio, Texas. The move itself was hard but I liked the idea of somewhere new to go. The idea of having a new an experience. At the time I didn’t even know Germany was country so when my dad told my brother and I, I was shocked. Moving to Germany I didn’t like so much a lot because of the eight hour plane flight. When we landed a friend of my dad’s met and took us to a guest hotel and we stayed there for 10 days. Once we got settled into our new house we started traveling to a lot.
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Jaylin Harris
8/20/2014 05:41:26 am
Good essay Orenzy! I enjoyed reading your post. I plan on traveling a lot while I am over here in Europe as well. Half of these places I have only heard of in books and now I have an opportunity to actually see them.
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Ms.
8/21/2014 03:29:07 pm
Excellent use of details to create and to expand on your experiences. Nice closure to your piece.
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Hailey Mueller
8/20/2014 03:18:43 am
Arrival of my new baby brother or sister
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Jaylin Harris
8/20/2014 06:12:03 am
Great story Hailey! You provided a very interesting story about the birth of your baby sister,Sophie. There are many times I wish I had a sibling. You are very lucky to have one.
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Eryn Johnson
8/20/2014 06:21:14 am
Even though I know you and Sophie argue... A lot, ;).... you guys are still great sisters! I liked reading this a lot!
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Ms. M
8/21/2014 03:32:06 pm
Good use of details to set up the preparation for the new addition to your family. Nice closure to your piece.
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Yazeed A
8/20/2014 03:48:55 am
Yazeed Alrajhi
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Anders L
8/21/2014 02:07:23 am
This was very nicely written with the way you gave titles to the different sections.
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Ms. M
8/21/2014 03:34:42 pm
Nice use of comparison and contrast of the two countries. Avoid using And and But as sentence starters; use them as idea connectors within sentences.
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8/23/2014 10:40:13 pm
I liked the story and how you explained what it was like moving to a new country
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8/20/2014 04:04:58 am
Emily Cranford
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Kayla Lambiase
8/20/2014 05:07:39 am
The dialogue is totally there and its obvious you to took time to give the reader a vision by your choice of words. Really well done Emily
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Eryn Johnson
8/20/2014 06:22:19 am
This was definitely fun to read! I loved how much dialogue you put in. Good job!
Beca Mann
8/20/2014 07:11:22 am
Your story really showed me what the audition was like for you, and that is awesome because i could actually envision it. This story literally describes me as well, and i acting is my oxygen as well. And i remember when you were on the tech crew for the sleeping beauty panto. And it was awesome acting as your older sister in Narnia. :)
Ms. M
8/21/2014 03:36:00 pm
Nice progression of events that have led to your interest in acting. Good use of dialogue.
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Kayla L
8/20/2014 05:00:24 am
Easter dinner we had our family and closest friends invited over for not only a feast ,but a big announcement that only my parents had been aware of. My mother had handed me a rolled up sheet of paper that read “Family Gift” across it. “What’s this for?”, i asked “ Well open it up because everyone's gonna want to hear it, trust me.”, she replied. I opened it with caution because knowing my family, we don’t have many big surprises. Or at least ones that involves everyone important to be involved. What was inside left me speechless, i couldn't help but cry. “ What’s it say kiddoh!” my uncle shouted from across the table. “ I’m gonna be a sister again”, I answered while placing the ultrasound on the table so everyone could get a good look at it and take it all in on their own. Everyone gasped then teared up a bit and rapidly made their way to hug or congratulate us. I still sat there crying, not sad tears either, i think that was the first time in my life where i genuinely cried because something beautiful and new was now going to be apart of my life forever. “ You can still keep your room Kayler’s” my dad assured me to get a laugh out of everyone.
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Nancy Krone
8/20/2014 11:07:53 pm
This story is really cute. I really liked it and I can only imagine how it must be to get those kind of news. Great job Kayla!
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Jacorian Clayton
8/21/2014 03:52:51 am
This was really great! Jakayla the story and the way it was written as amzing!
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Ms. M
8/21/2014 03:38:52 pm
Clear progression of events. Work on breaking up some of your longer sentences and capitalize "I" in your sentences.
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Nancy Krone
8/20/2014 05:48:30 am
My first day of school
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Ms. M
8/21/2014 03:42:22 pm
Great use of specific details to build this piece. Work on developing more variety in your sentences at the end, when you use "I" sentence starters.
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Rebecca Mann
8/20/2014 06:57:02 am
The Emergency
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Nancy Krone
8/20/2014 11:13:08 pm
Great story. It is terrifying and makes me glad that I've never had to experience anything like it. I like the way you wrote it in third person, it makes it seem very real.
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Ms. M
8/21/2014 03:44:47 pm
Excellent use of details to create the scene and your feelings. Clear progression of events.
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Tomas Volenec
8/20/2014 04:55:37 pm
Life Event Essay
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Ms. M
8/21/2014 03:46:44 pm
Good use of dialogue. Build in more adjectives to develop your details.
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Bekan Can
8/21/2014 10:17:03 pm
The most intriguing aspect of your story was the use of Third person perspective. It gave the story an extensive overview. Overall, after the analysis of your story as an entirety, I conclude that your story is in fact interesting and unique; however, I would have enjoyed it more if an extended dialogue had been included.
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Andreas A
8/22/2014 06:11:41 am
I like how you wrote it in 3rd person. Cool that you don't want to move back!
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Andreas A
8/20/2014 11:06:25 pm
My Special Event in Life
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Ms. M
8/21/2014 03:49:09 pm
Good use of dialogue. Build in more adjectives to build the different settings that you create.
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Bekan Can
8/21/2014 10:25:48 pm
Andu', Your story fit the category of entertainment first and foremost. I enjoy stories that explain past life events. As for the writing style, their are several grammatical errors,but overall,it was a very appreciable story.
Bekan Can Cevil
8/21/2014 12:30:42 am
Trip to Paris
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Andreas A
8/21/2014 04:35:55 am
Good story! I like how you explained the feelings for other people. Now I got to know that my experience wasn't the only bad one in Paris
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Ms. M
8/21/2014 03:52:02 pm
Clear plot of events. Work on adding more adjectives to describe how the places looked.
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Jacorian Clayton
8/21/2014 03:59:54 am
In February of this year there was a sudden death in my family. My mom, sister and I took a military flight to Baltimore, Maryland which I thought was pretty cool since it was a free flight and it was my first time being an actual military airplane other than a cargo plane. In order to get on a military flight people are put into different categories 1–6 we were in category 5. After the military flight we took a commercial flight to Dallas, Texas to try and attend the funeral. Unfortunately we were a day late for the funeral, but we still stayed in Texas for a few days to be with our family.
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Ms. M
8/21/2014 03:55:10 pm
Good sense of events and how stressful military transport can be. I would have liked to see more of the time with your family when back in Texas, as this was the purpose of the trip.
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Tomas
8/22/2014 05:44:16 am
I really liked your story in terms of the word choice and grammar. But at some points you should go more into details. Really nice work.
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breanna pope
9/4/2014 06:01:11 am
It was my 13th birthday,mom asked what she could get me and i replied with a puppy. Mom said no,but when i came home from school there was an albino red nose pitbull waiting for me and i named her Bentley she is now two years old. Before i moved to Germany, Bentley and I would play with her ropes and I would take her for walks, she is a good dog. When i moved to Germany Bentley was not allowed to come with me and she stayed with my mom and that was about a year later and i miss her so m uch. My mom called me on my 15th birthday and said Breezy Bentley is really sick she might die. She had parvo which is a disease to were 95 percent of the chance the animal dies. i was so scared and my mom took Bentley to the vet we were about to have to put Bentley down, luckly we took her to a new doctor and she said we could try and fix this but there is a slim chance she will live, the stuck ivs in her and it was dreadful,Bentley was fighting she got so skinny and nearly died. Suddenly one day she was just feeling better after all the treatments and she was gonna come home. Mom called m e telling me the news i was so happy anmd bentley is now still alive and i couldnt be happier she is my bestfriend and she put up a huge fight she is now gaining all her wait back and she has so many more new babies that i was sending her.If i lost bentley i dont know what i wouldve done my baby sisters love her to death and it was a very scary experce for me, im just glad she is alive and well. im so happy and grateful for that.
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